Paying it forward

Hi All

It’s Laura’s husband Jeremy.

It’s been two years today since Laura left us to take her own journey. And over this time it’s still great to see that Laura’s blog is still reaching new people and that her message of being optimistic is being heard.

To mark the 2 years of the remembrance process, I decided to pay it forward and help out others that are currently going through treatment at Wellington Hospital by donating a TV yesterday to help pass the time away and find some home comforts in a difficult period even if it’s for small amount of time, while on the oncology day ward.

Also during the time Laura spent on 5 North, I used to walk the corridors admiring the donated art work, so I decided to commemorate the time and care given by the wonderful staff at Wellington Hospital I would also donate a piece of art work painted by Laura.

Thanks to all my family and friends for your love and support. Love you all.

For those going through treatment now or in remission be optimistic, live each day at time, have goals and dreams as your diagnosis doesn’t define you.

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Remembering Laura

Hi everyone,

A service celebrating Laura’s life will be held this Saturday 3 March – 11:30am at St Oran’s College (550 High St, Lower Hutt). As our girl was full of colour and laughter, please dress in a colourful dress or suit to remember her.

Following this, there will be a gathering (true Laura style!) to remember and share stories about our girl.

On Thursday 1st March a vigil for Laura will be held in Cornwall Manor, Lower Hutt (Gee and Hickton) between 6 and 7pm. For those unable to make this time, please contact Catherine on 021 025 06194 to facilitate an opportunity to visit Laura before the service.

Thank you for all of your kind words and loving support,

Laura’s family x

This is not goodbye, just a new start on Laura’s next journey.

Hi everyone, its Laura’s family. First off we are not as word savvy as Laura (so please bear with us!)

This message/blog is hard to write as our wonderful strong Laura passed away on Thursday, 22 February 2018 in the morning, peacefully and on her terms!

Over the last 10 days Laura had a chest infection which became harder for her to fight and man did she fight!

On Tuesday Laura started to go down hill, and overnight and was put on a full flow oxygen machine to help her breathe.

Laura was a happy, beautiful, funny and a supportive wife, mummy, daughter, sister and friend.

More details regarding remembering her will follow in due time.

Laura wanted everyone to remember that she loved you all, and this isn’t goodbye just see you again.

Shits starting to get real…

I’ve been abit quite on the blog front recently.

So I better give you a run down on how things are.

The tumours in my lungs have started growing again and I have a tumour in my ovary (affectionately called Terry). To give me the best long term outcome I needed to go back into chemo for 4 cycles, before reimaging Terry. Hopefully by then things have calmed down and they can take him out. Kind of like a c section but minus the cute baby. I’m hoping for a tummy tuck though…

So last week was cycle 2 of Irinotican (sorry not 100% sure of the spelling).

Cycle 2 yes but technically cycle 24! Maybe so should have a party when I hit 30?

Side effects wise this hasn’t been to bad. I don’t get the numbness and tingly sensation and while nausea is bad it’s not as bad. They’ve tweaked the drugs this second time through and I’m feeling much better.

BONUS: my energy is so much better! I still have to watch it and be careful but I’m not getting as fatigued. Actually feeling normal for a bit.

Now the not so nice side effects.

This drug makes things move in the neither regions. And not in a good way. Thankfully I haven’t had any accidents but I’ve had to use a lot of medication to slow it down. Not the nicest but hey I have to live with it! Just no long car journeys on day 7-8!

And I’ve started losing my hair…

I was warned that it may thin but I feel this has hit me hard.

Growing up I was known for my hair. Laura with the fro, or super curly ringlets that people would pull and then exclaim excitedly when they snapped back like springs. I would get little old ladies coming up and asking if my hair was natural and if they could just touch it…

My hair is apart of my identity.

And I’m losing it.

I know that this is a very superficial issue, but it’s affecting me quite badly. It’s bringing on my anxiety and causing the tears to flow.

What will I do if I loose it all?

In the last two days I’ve lost this amount. I know it doesn’t look like much but I don’t have long hair and the feeling as it comes out in clumps is one of horror and dread.

Thankfully my hair is naturally thick.

The average person probably can’t notice it but I can.

I hope it stops.

I managed with thin hair last time.

I can manage this time with thin hair.

With no hair? I’m not so sure.

Thankfully the Ministry of Health provides finding for people with temporary or permanently hair loss. And I qualify.

So next week I am meeting with Leigh to choose out my new do.

I’m not sure if I’ll wear it often, it seems people either love it or hate it.

But at least I’ll have the option.

Who knows, maybe I’ll finally get those golden long straight hair I’ve always wanted?!

And think of the cost saving in not having to get my hair dyed and cut every 6 weeks?!

I’ll just have to redirect it to another endeavour.

Maybe microblading for when I loose my eyebrows? Oh god if I loose my eyebrows..

Or regular facials?

Thoughts people??!

All I wanted was a nice relaxing holiday…

Things have been going well on the health front.

I’ve been working, a few weekends away with the hubby, celebrated our first wedding anniversary and a friends engagement.

I had been feeling a bit tired but the. So had everyone.

Had a great Christmas with family and then things started to go down hill.

Last week a pain developed in my lower abdomen/pelvic area. The best way to describe it is a constant cramping feeling.

Doctors originally thought it was constipation, so I took medication for that. But it didn’t go away. A couple of days later the pain hadn’t gone away, so we thought just to check I better get it looked at by ED.

Thankfully they moved me very quickly, and I was seen by a female doctor, who called for the usual tests and a gynaecological consult. After more tests they decided to keep me in but didn’t really tell us more.

By this stage I was to exhausted to care but that should have triggered alarm bells.

The surgical team came and did their rounds and sent me off for a ct scan of my abdomen. Nothing to worry about they said, we are just moving your routine one up by about two weeks.

Then came the waiting, and the anxiety. Waiting to hear what the results were. Every time someone’s footsteps walked past my room my heart rate skyrocketed.

Finally the charge nurse came in and asked if we would like to go to the seminar room. Here I lost it, they would only be taking me elsewhere if it was bad news, really bad news. Something they wanted to share in private.

And it’s not the best news.

A tumour has grown inside my ovary and is pushing on all my organs in my stomach, causing the pain and firmness. They can’t tell for sure but it is most likely malignant due to my history. It could be related to the bowel cancer or it could be a whole new type of cancer (lucky me!).

The bloody thing isn’t small either, 14.5cm across. I’m carrying a small alien inside me.

Once again there were no signs until a few days ago! No blood loss, weight loss or anything! I’m a special case!

The problem is my lungs. The disease has ‘progressed’ there, meaning it’s back and with a vengeance. It’s now a bigger priority to control my lungs than to remove the other tumour.

So now I have to wait.

The wheels are in motion.

Back to chemo I go. The drug combo is as yet unknown, but will be for three cycles and then we scan again.

If that responds the. We can operate on the ovarian tumour.

I will loose that ovary.

There’s a very good chance I could have a full hysterectomy.

So our dreams of having children have been pushed to the back. Maybe one day if we are lucky.

And there will be more treatment to come.

On the plus side, they sent me home, where I can ‘be comfortable’, doses up with all these medications I worked so hard to wean off last year.

And we wait.

I feel it’s one step forward, five steps back.

Surely I’ve had enough shit thrown my way in the last two years.

Isn’t it someone else’s turn yet?

Expiry dates

It’s been a wee while since I shared with everyone.

Time to download what has happened.

I got a tattoo!

Well that was last post, but at the beginning of the month my sister, Mum and I got tattoos!

Another item to tick off my post chemo list!

I had a checkup with my doctor.

And a scan in August.

Everything is tracking along well, no new tumors or growths.

Check up in 6 weeks time.

That’s how my life is measured now a days.

By intermittent doctors visits.

A big thing this last month was meeting with my Cancer Society NZ councillor. It’s a great service provided free by the Cancer Society.

Dear hubby and I sat down with my councillor and talked through my end of life plan and funeral.

“Fun-er-al”

Apparently it’s a tool to help us deal with what is coming and to iron out any areas of possible conflict.

I was able to say what I wanted and how I wanted it done, which is far luckier than some people get.

I even went as far as saying what songs I wanted played.

Not something a typical newly married couple has to deal with in the first year of marriage.

But we plod along and keep fighting.

Next month is our first wedding anniversary!

The doctors had small goals for my chemo, make me well enough to attend my own wedding!

That came and went.

Next was to get me on my honeymoon.

That also came and went.

So what was next?

Now I have to make my own goals.

It’s amazing we have made it this far. I don’t mean anything negative about our relationship.

As Christmas approaches, we come up against another herdal.

My expiry date is approaching.

Doctors told me in June 2016 I had 1 to 2 years I live.

My case was terminal, stage four.

June next year (8 months away) is two years since I was told that.

If I manage to make it past that date, how do you love knowing that at any moment it could be taken away?

Living each day as if it was a new day? Or as if it was your last?

I’m grappling with that right now.

How would you deal with it?

Ticking those things off!

I really don’t post as often as I should.

Especially since I find this as a sort of therapy session.

A wee while ago I asked for ideas for my bucket list. Slowly I have been able to tick things off, thanks to the most amazing people who donated to my give a little page.

Yesterday was probably the biggest item by far.

Those who have known for a while know how much I love tattoos. I have always wanted one, but wanted it for the right reasons. When I was in school I used to draw on my legs and arms, often flowery designs that I loved. I would always get told of by my parents who said I was ‘poisoning my skin’.

While going through chemo, my sister floated the idea of us getting a tattoo once we were done.

I thought it was a fantastic idea!

I saw it as a way of getting control back over my body and about being able to call the shots again.

We had a consultation with Craigy Lee at Union Street Tattoo in Wellington and he was fantastic.

We explained our story and showed him some pictures of what we liked. We explained that while we wanted things similar, we also wanted it different. Geometric and constructed for my personality, flowy and more floral for Catherine’s. He understood where we were coming from.

We booked on a few months ago and the day finally arrived yesterday.

I won’t lie I was scared, shit scared.

I may have had a panic attack on Thursday night about it.

We thought it best to start off the day with a solid base, so off to Fidel’s for fried chicken and waffles and coffee.

And before you know it, it was time to head to Union Street.

Now I had asked Catherine if I could go first. I was shot scared that if I had to watch her go through with it for a few hours that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. So very kindly she agreed that I could go first.

We arrived and Craigy showed us the drawings.

All my nerves and anxiety went away. I absolutely loved it. So did Catherine.

We decided on placement and then it was time for me to sit on the bed and get going.

It’s an interesting feeling. That mix of sheer panic and excitement.

Before I knew it he was starting the design.

Now I’ve been through a lot on the last year. 3 surgeries. One major and two minor. But they all came with pain relief. This didn’t.

It was a case of breathe through the pain….

I guess I likened it to that of childbirth. (Not that I’ll likely go through that, but similar that it comes in waves)

Two and a half odd hours and it was done! I was ecstatic.

This design represented me and my husband, my family and my journey.

And it was all sitting there on my thigh.

And then Catherine followed suit.

I was so incredibly proud of how she handled it. She powered through like a boss.

And then mum joined the party.

At 51 she got her first tattoo and I couldn’t have been prouder.

I love my family and they make me want to push harder each day. Keep on fighting and not give up!

These women are my inspiration, each and every day.

Love you guys xx

Cardboard boxes 📦

I feel I should update you all on how things are going…..
Honestly it's pretty good.
I've officially been of chemo now for three months and I feel great. Energy levels are up, mood levels are up and my hormones came roaring back about three weeks ago!
I had my ct scan on Monday and will get an update from my Oncologist sometime in mid August. I'm cautiously optimistic as I've been feeling great but you never know!

So what's been happening in the Robson household you may ask?

Well after being married for 6 months, dear hubby and I were finally able to go on our honeymoon! It was fantastic!!
We ate drank and shopped ourselves silly. But I'll go into that in more detail on my next post.

And thank you to the kind donations to my give a little page, I have been able to tick off a few items on my bucket list.
I will be forever grateful to the kind people who donated to enable me to experience some of the worlds wonders while I still have time.
I'll dedicate a whole post to go into more detail about what I have done so far, but it entails eating at some yummy restaurants, swimming with the fishes and spending quality time with dear hubby.

I'm sorry for the lack of posts these last few months. I started this blog with the intention of blogging regularly but it's amazing how quickly life gets in the way. Or if your anything like me and have bad chemo brain, you forget to get back to it!

I also started this blog as a way of dealing with my emotions and thoughts in regards to my diagnoses. Lately that's been abit tricky.
Sickness and the passing of a beloved family member has brought many things to mind and sometimes they can be hard to shake.
That's why I've gone back to work pretty much full time, it takes my mind off these things and allows me to concentrate on other things.
But that doesn't help me when I'm driving home, or the hour or so between me getting home from work and hubby getting home.

A while ago my counsellor told me to imagine a box.
Now inside this box I could place any issues that I wasn't ready to deal with. And put that box to the side and not deal with any of it.
Very quickly it started to fill up:
– terminal cancer diagnoses
– 2 year life expectancy
– death
– leaving behind my friends and family
– leaving behind the love of my life
– my body physically not being strong enough to bear children

Those things filled my box up pretty quickly… either that or I made it too small 😛

Now see during these quite times on my way home things have started to slip out of my box.

I'm still not ready to deal with these issues, so maybe I need to upgrade my box.

I don't think the cardboards holding up very we'll anymore.

Bucket List

So in my last post I asked for ideas to add to my bucket list. Lots of ideas were floated but here’s what I have pulled out. Comment below if you can think of any others. So far here is the work in progress:

1. Get Married – ✔️ 11/11/16

2. Buy a house -✔️ 05/02/2016

3. Get a tattoo – ✔️ 01/09/17

4. Go indoor skydiving

5. Travel to Paris -✔️ Feb 2015

6. Travel to America

7. Create a family ✔️ Jan 2017

8. See the All Blacks Play live ✔️ June 2018 in spirit with my friends and family

9. See Adele live in concert ✔️ March 2017

10. See Ed Sheeran live in concert ✔️ but going again! – ✔️ March 2018 in spirit with my friends and family

11. See the Great Barrier Reef – ✔️ June 2017

12. Dine at Heston Blumenthauls Restaurant -✔️ June 2017

13. Go Skiing

14. Walk the Harbour Bridge ✔️ February 2019

15. Make my first quilt – ✔️ July 2017

16. Dinner at Hippopotamus for my birthday – ✔️ August 2017

17. Explore the Marlborough wine region

18. Fly in a helicopter
As year my Anniversary approaches, it’s hard not to think about this. It’s hard not to feel cheated, taken advantage of and angry.

But I don’t have time for that.

I need to spend my time left wisely.

Be Happy

Be Free

Live, Laugh, Love
La

Halfway to terminal

Today we had one of the more frank discussions with my Oncologist. Originally we went in there to talk about going on a break from treatment *Yay* but thinks quickly turned to my prognosis and if there was any chance in the future of starting a family. 

Essentially the answer is no. The likelihood of me being able to get pregnant is low and the likelihood of both is us being able to make it to full term is low. 

Also what sort of life would that baby have. We would be bringing life into this world, however I may not be able to be apart of it. 

It could even turn into, it’s me or the baby. 

Is that fair on the baby to be raised with out a mother? For Jeremy to have to raise it by himself would be a hard task. And to have that constant reminder… 

And my prognosis has not changed. 

The average life expectancy of someone with my type of cancer is 1 to 2 years, and I am just about to hit the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. So based on averages I have a year left. 

1 stinking year left. 

But I’m going to be the outlier. 

The one that doesn’t fit with what the average is. Who sticks out like a sore thumb and refuses to give up. 

There’s nothing much else I can do except that!

And if I do have one year left, help me make a bucket list. 

I’m only 27, have travelled a little but never really lived an exciting, adventure filled life. 

I haven’t done an OE, I’ve only just brought my own car, I haven’t experienced any ‘Wonders of the World’

Help me to pack that into this last year, please?

At the top of my list:

– Get Married – Done

– Buy a house – Done

– Adopt fur babies – Done

– HONEYMOON!!!  – In progress!!
Help me fill in the rest.